just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
