I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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