I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
