I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
