I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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