You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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