But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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