I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
