woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
