One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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