he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
