getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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