The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
