remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
