Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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