Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
