Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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