Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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