I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
