Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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