I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
do herpes really smell.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
