I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
