I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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