apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
