i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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