just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
