i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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