my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
