why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She needs sedatives and a leash
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
