I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
