my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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