A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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