can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
