He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
