we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
