sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
