I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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