Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
