Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
