i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
