Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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