Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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