theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
