We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
