Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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