There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
