Cold hands, warm shart.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
