Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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