I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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