I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
