I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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